3 weeks ago
Thursday, 4 April 2013
I feel very angry. I feel the angriest I have ever felt in my entire life and I also feel my most helpless. I know this is how people feel before they jump on an extremist bandwagon of some kind or another and I fear these feelings. I am lost and confused, whilst feeling on fire with bitterness and rage at the same time feeling utterly numb and like I could just drive into a wall and not care whether I lived or died or whether it hurt or not. Perhaps that level of hurt would make me feel something? Perhaps excruciating pain would be somewhere to focus all the fire inside, a place for it all to root? Why so angry? Because of me being a “don’t have” and being constantly treated as the one who has everything and should be giving up as much as I can afford to pay for those who are poor and unfortunate and are classed by society as the “don’t haves”. To me it’s the other way round, they have what I want, what I need, what I would give up everything to have. I suppose I'm really thinking about a select few. I don't want to jump on the benefits-bashing bandwagon, but somehow there are some people out there who abuse the system and it's made me more annoyed than I ever thought I could get about anything. They have children, they have so many children that they can afford to treat them in whatever way they choose to get what they want. They have children to get houses, they have more children to get bigger houses. They don’t appreciate what they have and they don’t appreciate what taxpayers give up to be able to provide them with what they see as a right and not a gift. They don’t see how many couples who both work end up not having enough opportunity to get pregnant in their early years, how we don’t feel ready because we have to establish ourselves in a career and make enough money to buy a home. We don’t get given a home by the government, we have to earn it and we have to work every month and live with the worry of what happens if we lose our jobs. We then lose our homes and our lives too. We are walking a tight-rope with so many people hanging onto our coat tails that eventually we’re going to fall off and they have no-one to provide for them anymore. Why should we do this for ungrateful people, people who demand being supported by the state. It isn’t a faceless institution which is supporting them, it’s thousands of people like me who are feeling the pinch of years of inflation growing more than pay packets, of increasing bills and increasing debt and decreasing quality of life. All whilst these others are being cocooned from these effects. Why shouldn’t they feel it too? Why shouldn’t they have their hearts in their mouths every time they get an official looking letter through the door and every time they open a bill or a statement? Why shouldn’t they have to rob Peter to pay Paul, with an increasing number of Peters and Pauls on their heels? But most of all why should they have children and I can’t? As a working couple with a lot of travel involved we struggled to put in the amount of baby-making needed to succeed, we’ve been stressed at times when we should have been calm, too stressed for the process to work, or indeed too stressed to even try. We’ve had the wrong diet through not having enough time to concentrate on the right diet or through comforting ourselves in the stressful times. We’ve had too many boozy weekends (to make up for the stressful week days) and we’ve just worked to survive each month as we’ve never had enough spare cash to save. We’ve probably lived a similar lifestyle at times to those “dole bludgers”, drinking and lazing around, but we’ve earned it and we haven’t had kids to get us the money to do it. Because of it though we’ve lost our most fertile years and probably reduced our fertility during those years too. Biology has caught up with us now and the prospects of us having natural children through our own efforts are very small. So we pay again, we pay for IVF. Or we go for adoption and we pay to get all our debts in order and downsize the house to be able to afford to be a good prospect, able to take parental leave and work part time to look after children, able to jump through all the hoops that these other people who have all the children and all our spare money don’t have to do. Why do they have the children and we do not? Because they don’t have to wait. Because they didn’t waste all those years getting educated and developing a career, just to be able to pay more tax into the system. Because they don’t have to worry about who is going to support their children, they can just keep on having them. Because they use their children to get more money from people like me. I’m so tired of being the faceless cash cow whose life is slipping away and dreams are fading whilst I’m just waiting. I want/need/deserve a family of my own to nurture and support. I’m not going to use them and abuse them and set them on fire to get more handouts. I’m going to care about them and put them first. I wouldn’t even mind if they were other people’s children, I just want to be helpful and have a proper place in society, in nurturing our young people, no matter who they are or where they came from. It’s all screwed, it’s all in favour of the people on benefits in terms of having children. They are the last people who should be making their families bigger if they can’t afford them in the first place. They are creating a need for people to support them and they are taking the opportunities away from those people who can’t afford to stop working or reduce work to be able to concentrate on having a family. For so many women of my generation/class the choice has been career or children in those early years when we were at our most fertile, now our careers have led us to supporting other people having children to the detriment of our own chances - that just sucks! What qualifies you for benefits? Is it a list of unfortunate circumstances? Is it a list of demands? Shouldn’t also the ability to appreciate that it’s a gift and not a right also be one of the criteria? SHouldn’t a desire to achieve or return to self-sufficiency be part of it? If someone’s stuck in a trap (poverty trap) do you try to get them out or do you just chuck food and provisions into the trap for the rest of their lives? Would you encourage them to try to get themselves out? Wouldn’t we all try as hard as we could to help them do that?